Things I Have Discovered

(Mostly in the past six months)

- Standing up for something is simple if you believe in it.

- Enjoy life. Be passionate.

- I am worth waiting for. And whoever I'll end up with is too.

- Sometimes when someone dumps their responsibilities on you and runs, you don't have to be all happy and polite about it. You don't have to be nasty, but when those words like 'please' and 'thank you' drop from terse emails, it's a subtle indication that was a crap thing to do to me.

- There is so much to life. So much.

- Sometimes, hanging out with guys who have girlfriends is a great thing, because then there are no ridiculous expectations that come with singles being in the same room.

- Related, there's the Apartment of Safe Guys on campus. One's in a relationship, one probably won't be until he's graduated. Both great guys, and best of all, zero awkwardness. (Also, I bring them cookies, so we're tight.)

- I have a good angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other sometimes, leaving me stuck in indecision, right where I was before they showed up.

- I will end up in the oddball situations, just because I'm like a magnet for them. I now expect things to not go as planned.

- Some people have hearts of gold under class clown exteriors. Find these people and don't let go of them.

Gee whillikers.

I don't even know where to start with real life, because it has turned into a series of bizarre events. I won't even say 'unfortunate', although there have been several of those, including a rather nastily sprained ankle (the brace totally looks like a corset. I have started referring to the process of getting into it as 'lacing up my ankle's corset.). Blogging about this would simply be a rehash of the oddness, so I shan't. I have no idea what I'll be saying this fall, so I think mainly I shall try to do a bit of freewriting on here. Maybe just a paragraph or two. They might not even make sense, but I finally wrote a (longish) short a couple days ago, and being creative just feels so good. So bear with me, and hopefully I'll free-write some interesting things over the next few weeks.

Things that are making me happy

- Love

- Chai tea for sore throats

- Two awesome layouts at frisbee last night

- A last-minute game today (since I leave for school tomorrow)

- Embarking on a new adventure to Waco tomorrow

- Collarbones

- Figuring out my eyeliner so it looks just right

- Sister dates to Sonic (lemon-berry slush!)

- My beautiful friends

- My handsome friends

- Giggling over old Facebook photos

- Lunch with one of my besties

- The smell of Old Spice

- Hearts of gold

- Minimalist packing

- Getting okayed to try out for the men's Ultimate Frisbee club team at Baylor since there isn't a women's team (!!!)

- Realizing how this summer turned out so entirely differently than I thought it would, and excitement for this fall.

What is making you happy?

Charlie Brown's favorite exclamation

Good grief.

I'm in Colorado with the family for the next six days. It was a long drive up. Seventeen hours, I think. It's beautiful, though. I'll try to get some pictures posts, but no promises, as I do not have my own camera with me (this negligence caused by yours truly not packing until the night before). It's close to 10,000 feet altitude here, and I feel it, like a wimpy girl who lives at sea level most of the year. Quite honestly, I could sit in the living room of this little house re-reading the Mitford books for hours and be content with just resting. Part of me is sad there's internet, but another part of me rejoices I don't want to be on much. There's a little mountain with patches of snow out the big windows, and it's so foreign from Houston suburbia's culdesacs and suburbans it makes me happy.

I had the oddest sensation driving up yesterday, through a valley with gently rolling grass surrounded by pine-crested hills. I had a vision for a moment I was twenty, and I was rambling through the hills in a pair of old jeans rolled at the cuffs and old tennis shoes, next to a man I loved, with a black Lab dashing out and back and around us. The sky was cloudy, and one of us had a red Chevy Avalanche pickup, or had borrowed it, and we were just being together, and it was so simple and so lovely I'm hoping it wasn't idle imagination and will come to pass someday.

And then I think, Oh my, I'm going to Oxford in nine days. England. Out of the country without my family, which is a glorious thought with a sense of freedom like I'm a bird free from the nest. And then I realize again (the thought repeats) I am going with a group of people, none of whom I know from Adam. They're all from Baylor and should be excellent travel companions. The bold side of me, roaring with adventure and confidence plans to play along like I've been at Baylor my entire collegiate career. But the timid side of me, the one I've tried so hard and succeeded decently in muffling over the past year is frightened to death.

Oddly, with all this trouncing about in my mind, I'm not anxious. Perhaps that elusive process of growing-up truly has visited me in some small way.

EDIT: prayers for a quick resolution much appreciated - Baylor has apparently cancelled my housing request, something I did NOT want them to do, and now they're saying they're out of rooms on-campus...

I live!

Sort of. I've been out in Nascar country for a few days, helping renovate my uncle's house. Well, paint, mostly. Lots of ceiling paint. I am still high on the fumes. I am also sleep-deprived, because...well, most of you know of my small addiction to that sport called Ultimate Frisbee. There's a tournament tomorrow on the beach (well, if you can call it a beach. It's the substitute beach for Texans who don't have real beaches.), and I really wanted to play, but wasn't supposed to get back until tomorrow. So...the only flight option was a 5:20 red-eye out of Chattanooga. I woke up at 3:30 this morning. I have never woken up that early. Stayed up that late? Yes, to my great shame. So I am rather sleep-deprived and yawning now, but tomorrow should be a fantastic day.

I can't get My First Kiss by 3OH!3 or that other Keith Urban song (I Want To Kiss A Girl?) out of my head. I don't know what my subconscious is trying to tell me, but I am bothered by and am fiercely scolding it. Catchy pop songs. We love and hate them.

I think I have stopped making sense, so I am going to go watch Dr. Who or something that doesn't involve higher brain function. Peace, y'all.

I have awesome friends

Okay. So a friend of mine was recently sort-of stalked/repeatedly asked out by this girl he'd only met once. This is an excerpt of the IM conversation. It is hysterical. And hopefully will give you hope there are still guys out there with standards. And spelling. ('Theji' is the girl, just fyi, and 'Me' is my guy friend).

3:36amTheji
u need 2 kno 1 thng is tht if a gurl wants 2 b wid u than u should b wid her
u understand tht
3:43amTheji
hey wat happend
3:43amMe
sorry just distracted by my game.
anyway
3:44amTheji
so wat video game
3:44amMe
thats BS. i mean yeah if a girl wants to be with you thats cool, but that doesn't mean you should just be like OH MY GOD shes into me lets give up all forms of standards and be with her.
3:44amTheji
if she hot a guy would rite?
plz jst try it and see wat happens plz
3:45amMe
WHY
WHY ARE YOU SO INTERESTED IN ME?!
I DONT UNDERSTAND IT
3:46amTheji
i thnk tht ur nice and gud looking and kind 2 a gurl and i never had tht in my life
r u angry wid me
?
3:46amMe
okay honestly, I'm not mad at you, slightly flattered at best.
But it would never work because you can't spell to save your life.

That last line. Best reason to not date someone EVER. *wipes tear of happiness from eye*

Oy criminy

I moved back home on Saturday, and should be here about six weeks. I thought this would be a rather sedate six weeks, punctuated by frisbee games.

Oh, right, except life can't be that normal, can it?

(The answer is no. It has been the craziest last three days of my life, involving frisbee, boys, insanely hot weather, gingers, a stolen car, and not enough sleep. Should I be able to clarify some details later, I shall. That remains to be seen. For now, prayers for my sanity greatly welcome!)

Change

Leaving. Heartache, closing doors. Arriving. Dread. New beginnings. All my emotions tangled like a ball of yarn attacked by a sadistic kitten. Exhaustion. The need to cry, while utterly dry-eyed. Missing someone I've never met. Wishing. Hoping. Praying.

Yearning.

Ugh.

There is a new realm of thought. I call it the queasy borderline. Where you aren't quite yet fantastically imagining things you shouldn't be, because later those imaginings will come bite you in the butt when they don't happen, but you want to imagine so badly. And little glimpses of potential, yet unlikely futures, sneak in, and are so tantalizing, but you must resist anyway?

Yes. I am in the queasy borderline today, and I do NOT like it. Rawr.

Amazingness

is hanging out with three friends who help me sarcastically tear apart obnoxious RAs, and all of us being on computers and facebook and less than three feet apart, and trying to figure out who is saying what to one another. They are awesome. :D

WARNING

My fail of the day:

I was in the little common room of my suite. One of my suitemates was happily doing dishes in our little kitchen. It was a blissful domestic scene, quiet and only broken by the occasional sounds of my coughing (darn allergies), and Sarah Michelle Gellar stabbing a demon from my computer. This beautiful tranquility was broken by the sound of the world's most obnoxious RA rambling through the door (open due to some oven fumes). I was told I was a fail at answering my phone.

So as this RA casually strolled into another suitemate's room to get her computer charger (Mac snobs...well, she's not a Mac snob. He is.), I put down my computer and went to grab my phone. Because it's not necessarily that I didn't believe he'd called, but he is one of those people who would mess with me like that. So I walked into the kitchen area, which is floored with some kind of linoleum stuff.

Four steps later, I found out up-close and personal that the floor had been mopped.

My suitemate gasped and asked if I was okay. From a beautiful hands-and-knees position on the floor, I started laughing hysterically. The highly obnoxious RA also started laughing from the other suitemate's bedroom and said, "Fail!" I fell back on my natural response to obnoxious guys: "Shut up, Griffin!" (Oh, look, did I mention a name? Drat.)

I don't think this particularly obnoxious RA has been in the suite this semester. Ever. And I don't recall anyone mopping this semester either. What are the odds........

Part 2.

Me:
lol cool. If you're up here on a Tuesday or Thursday night, let me know, you might drop by one of the Ultimate frisbee games on campus those nights. It's pretty much my primary sport after running, lol

Guy:
wow, you run and play ultimate frisbee? i love both those things. ultimate would be hella fun, but i wouldnt mind just going running with you.

Me:
well there's a game tomorrow night at 9:30 at the soccer fields here, same for thursday, every week if you wanna come.

Guy:
the soccer field, huh? i think i can make it, could i get your number so i can text or call you tomorrow?

Me:
yah . It'll really start around 9:45...frisbee players are classically dilatory. Haven't figured out why yet lol

Guy:
dilatory! lol i can tell youre home schooled. but yeah it sounds like fun, i'll see ya there! :)

Me:
haha well, I'm also a writing major, and my mom was an English teacher...I didn't have a chance lol

Guy:
wow, what do you like to write? im taking creative writing this semester, and i really like it, its like my favorite class haha



_________________

So. 9:30 came. 9:45 came. The entire game (which was an AWESOME game) passed. No text, no call, no show.

Strike 1: He never showed, texted, or called. Major no-nos.

Strike 2: He never showed at Ultimate Frisbee. That is a SIN.

Strike 3: He and his bff are cussing each other out on Facebook.

So I am totally single again. And lovin' it. Easy decisions rock!!!!! =)

*whimpers and covers head*

Facebook thread:

Guy:

im not in high school, im in college

Me:

Yeahhh, J. M. informed me of that =p. You have to admit though, there were a million high school kids swarming the campus at that point, and there aren't usually, so... logical conclusion =P

Guy:

i dont exactly look like a high school kid though. hell, i shaved before i went to that karaoke thing. maybe that was it?

Me:

Lol maybe...I'm gonna chalk it up to the fact that I was really tired and should have been asleep an hour ago. I def was not picking up on details lol.

Guy:

oh, i heard somewhere that people look younger when you're tired... but yeah definitely not in high school. you're a freshman i'm guessing?

Me:

Haha you must have been tired too, I'm a sophomore =P

Guy:

haha i think i was, so that would make sense. have you gone to (name of university) this whole time? i visit campus pretty often but i dont think ive seen you before

Me:

Haha yeah, I've been here the whole time. I didn't have the blond in my hair last year tho, so I look different...maybe that's it lol.

Guy:

haha maybe. well i hope i didnt freak you out too bad when i talked to you, you looked good in your dress and i wanted to get to know you

Me: Haha thanks =P See, the thing is, I am an ex-homeschooler...so that hopefully explains a lot haha.

Guy: lol not at all. you dont like compliments? or people?

Me:

Hahaha no, both are fine, I'm just not as used to the compliments...it's a random homeschooler thing lol

Guy:

ah, ill keep that in mind. what do you say we hang out sometime?

..............I haven't answered yet.

Scraps and Rambles

It's pretty late. Nearing midnight. Today started at 5:30. I've taken a couple short naps, and am now on benadryl and close to crashing. I just have too many thoughts brewing in my head, and I'm too tired to do a poem about them. Perhaps tomorrow?

But anyway.

Love. Curious beast. I've learned a lot in that area over the last year. Most of it was painful. Now that I'm farther along, I can see it was necessary. Kind of sucks, but it was. Now, second time around (well, vaguely second-time around) I'm doing things a lot differently. As a very wise friend of mine put it, guys fall into trouble cause they are extremely visual. Girls aren't so much different - we just get in trouble with our imaginations and get emotionally wrapped up to an unhealthy level in possibilities and dreams.

I used to think vaguely, at some point, love was something that just kind of happened. I mean, I thought you could vary degrees of love of your own choice, but 'falling in love' was a happening you had little control over. Now, I see it differently. I believe it's much, much more of a conscious choice. And - I don't even know if it's this way for everyone, so this is sort of not really a generalization - I think love, romantic love, really should work like this: boy meets girl. They're friends for a time. Just regular, good friends. No romantic thoughts even involved. And eventually, they just love each other. It may grow into romantic love, but even if it doesn't, it's a good friendship based on love.

Did that make any sense? I hope so. It's late, as I've said, and the rambling is ceasing...now. G'night!

A Bipolar Day

No, I am not bipolar. The day has been bipolar. I woke up and did the first track workout of the season in 60 degree weather. Yes, I did say 60 degree weather. Winter in Houston sucks. So, I had my customary breathing issues as I do when it gets above 60. It could have been worse, but after the wonderful cool spell (of a single week), I was disappointed. At least it's supposed to get coldish again for the time trial on Friday.

I have two PowerPoint presentations coming up. One is Shakespeare, due originally tomorrow, but got bumped to Tuesday, Thank you Lord (I mean that sincerely). One of them I have been jittery about for three days now, and am steadily descending into the dark pit of nerves. Gah. I'm presenting in front of the other group (the Honors classes are split into two sections) because my partner is in that group. I don't know everyone in that group and -

Oh, how convenient. What would come up on iTunes right now but Disturbia. How perfect. Ha.

Anyway, then The Democrat is in that section. He's notorious for asking somewhat pointless but difficult to answer questions. And, also in that section is The B-

Whoops. Almost let that one slip. Classified information, you know. That would have been Very, Very Bad. I'm rambling now. Back to the point! I'm so-so at PowerPoint presentations. Really, I just sound stilted. I don't know - okay, that's a lie, I know darn well why I'm nervous. Which is so stupid. Gah!

The happy part of the bipolar day: I went Christmas shopping. I didn't have a lot of time today, so I employed some extreme hunt-gather-run tactics. Guys are hard to shop for sometimes unless I know what I'm looking for exactly. I found what I wanted (exactly! These items were perfect) for these people.

I even think I nailed the sizes, of which I feel rather proud. One guy isn't much taller than me, and the other...well, I had the remembrance of wearing his sweater to gauge his size, heh heh. Didn't even plan that one. And we were playing 21 questions on Facebook chat a few days ago, and the subject of favorite colors came up. I didn't plan that either. *does Snoopy dance of joy*

Girls, on the other hand, are so easy to shop for. My first go-to: Bath and Body Works. (To any guys who might read this, I'm giving sound advice. Girls, as a rule, like lotion, shower gel, body spray, and lip gloss). That was super-easy. And I found this for my mom (it's an even brighter yellow in real life). It was a solid one-two-knockout hour at the mall. CVS provided me with bags and tissue paper (easier than wrapping paper), and I'm about to go doll up the gifts.

Hasta luego!

I love writing...

I've missed it so much - writing fiction. Over the last three days I've written sixteen pages, and loved it. It's based on a dream I had (the one with the pepper spray). I started in the middle of the story, so it's not too coherent to anyone but me right now. I don't care. This is writing for pleasure. I'm forcing myself to not edit too much.

I'm a little drowsy now. It doesn't have much to do with tryptophan or turkey (which I think is somewhat of an urban legend). I did un poco Black Friday shopping, just trying to help the economy, and...well...

I got this.

Not my usual purchase. But it's so 'bad a', to quote a friend of mine. I'm not buying anything else for myself (except groceries) until next semester.

Another reason I'm feeling warmly contented: my sister is staying down here at the dorm with me for a couple days. It'll be nice to just chill. We haven't seen each other a lot this fall.

The third reason...shall not be posted on this blog. Just in case. Because, with my luck, the person I'm thinking about would decide to click on the facebook link to the blog.

Um...weirdness?

Let's start at the very beginning. Some time ago - July, maybe - I had a dream that a friend of mine died in an accident, and I didn't find out until a couple days later. I woke up absolutely freaking out, hyperventilating, crying (yes, but only for a very short time). It was one of the best feelings in the world to realize "He's not dead."

Take 2: Not long ago, I dreamed I was teaching this same person (who shall remain nameless - I'm learning from my mistakes) to waltz. To Waltz of the Flowers, Tchaikovsky. I can only imagine what a psychologist would do with this. The contrast between these dreams is so absurd I'm still laughing about it.

And now, a friend of this Nameless Person (I'm fond of caps in a weird way), has said (actually, IMed on Facebook), and I quote "lol does someone have a crush on [favourite name of your choice] lol".

What is this??? This is the second person I"ve been accused of having a crush on. In like, the same day. Clearly there were benefits to homeschooling. I never had this problem before. It shows me, though, that I must be a red-blooded female, because the whole face-getting-hot thing? Yeah. For the past sixteen years and eleven months of my live, I thought I was immune.

Ha. Apparently I have no power over that reaction. Look, I like both guys, yes. But in a platonic way. (I really like that word, platonic).

I'm sorry if this seemed disjointed and rambling. It's late. I should go to bed. But I'm afraid I'm going to stare at the (mostly) dark ceiling, thinking about this...

Sometimes I swear Facebook is evil. And the friend of this Person is the last person I ever expected to make me twitchy like that. It's even worse than the first accusation (made by two roommates, whom I love), because this Person is...how do I say this? In the vernacular, hot. (I'm sorry, yes, I'm going with SAT vocabulary here. It happens when I get flustered). He's both a football runningback and high school tutor. (I confess my skepticism and snobbery in believing the dumb football player stereotype and am now humble and glad there is an exception.) And we (some days I really hate that pronoun) both tutored at a high school, where freshman and sophomore girls all but glued themselves to him. I feel kind of bad now, because I talked to him quite a bit the first few weeks but not so much later on for fear of being mistaken as having a 'crush' on him. Since then I've had a couple personal epiphanies and realized I was being stupid.

So that is my sad, sad (in the sense of ridiculously pathetic) story. This is not a big deal, really. People are still without power from Ike. But ohhh, if there's something that gets under my skin it's being mistaken as a love-struck, crush-having boy-crazy - okay, no one has accused me of that last one.

It's the small things, right?