The Difference

I'm realizing it right now. The gulf between safe and protected. They sound kinda the same. Unable to be harmed. I feel the difference now. Don't get me wrong. I feel 'safe' here in my dorm. I don't worry about creepy people getting in or the thing burning down. Safe is such a physical term.

After the last two days, though, I do not feel protected. Over the last two days, I've had two nightmares. Bad ones. Not general bogey-man monsters with snakes crawling from their mouths. Specific dreams that make me panic. It takes a lot to make me panic. The first night, I dreamed there was poison gas in the dorm, and I was having a major asthma attack like one I've never actually had. It felt so real. My chest refusing to lift more than an inch. I stumbled down five flights of stairs, trying to make it around the lake to the school apartments. I almost made it, but I collapsed in the parking lot. Black asphalt. Cue end.

Dream two: a close family member was dying of some disease. Leukemia, maybe. Three weeks to live. I recounted every stupid thing I'd said and reiterated how much I loved her. That dream I try not to think about. The asthma one is just creepy to think about. If I think of the second one for more than thirty seconds, I feel my pulse beat faster and tears forming in my eyes.

Tonight, a girl did something to her knee. Pretty sure she didn't tear the ACL, because she'd be in more pain, but I ended up driving to the hospital with a couple others to make sure her mom was there. It was a continuation of the last two days. It feels dark. I 'know' life is a battle. I feel it now. I will keep fighting. I just need a moment for the tears to coalesce and fall.

This is when I crave protection. I wonder if it's how some crave alcohol. It's almost like I need it. I know I don't. I've gotten through nights like this before. But I want it so much. It's a physical ache. What I want sounds silly, perhaps. Simple, but so complex. I want someone to talk to me on the phone til I fall asleep. To just...hold me. Doesn't even have to speak. Just understands. Just doesn't let go. Just is there.

That is protection.

Some quick rambles

Homework. Is. Evil. I want to shoot it all. With an AK-47. And then I want to burn the shreds. And then I want to take the ashes, seal them in a lockbox, and drop them in the middle of the Atlantic.

Love is weird. I'm really not sure what to do with some of it. For the rest, I'm just enjoying the ride.

Ultimate Frisbee is the most amazing sport on earth. Now, playing it for three hours after racing earlier in the morning may not have been the smartest idea, but dang was it fun.

And now...I will be in bed at 9:30. 5:30 wake up for practice. Woooooot. Hear the enthusiasm in my voice. The only good thing about practice being that early is it's really dark. Makes the time go by faster.

Hasta luego!

Scraps and Rambles

It's pretty late. Nearing midnight. Today started at 5:30. I've taken a couple short naps, and am now on benadryl and close to crashing. I just have too many thoughts brewing in my head, and I'm too tired to do a poem about them. Perhaps tomorrow?

But anyway.

Love. Curious beast. I've learned a lot in that area over the last year. Most of it was painful. Now that I'm farther along, I can see it was necessary. Kind of sucks, but it was. Now, second time around (well, vaguely second-time around) I'm doing things a lot differently. As a very wise friend of mine put it, guys fall into trouble cause they are extremely visual. Girls aren't so much different - we just get in trouble with our imaginations and get emotionally wrapped up to an unhealthy level in possibilities and dreams.

I used to think vaguely, at some point, love was something that just kind of happened. I mean, I thought you could vary degrees of love of your own choice, but 'falling in love' was a happening you had little control over. Now, I see it differently. I believe it's much, much more of a conscious choice. And - I don't even know if it's this way for everyone, so this is sort of not really a generalization - I think love, romantic love, really should work like this: boy meets girl. They're friends for a time. Just regular, good friends. No romantic thoughts even involved. And eventually, they just love each other. It may grow into romantic love, but even if it doesn't, it's a good friendship based on love.

Did that make any sense? I hope so. It's late, as I've said, and the rambling is ceasing...now. G'night!

...huh?

So I just logged into blogger, and it was in a foreign language. Not even something I could read, like Spanish or Italian. Heck, I could probably even read enough French to figure out how to change it back to English. So after messing around, I found out my settings were for the Netherlands. How in the world did that one happen?

Yes, it has been a month

A very, very busy month. I'm not sure if blogging is a good idea for me right now as I've started up sophomore year. Aka, I'm not sure if I'll be posting more than a couple times a month, which somewhat defeats the purpose to me. I don't know. Thoughts?

Because I needed to write some marshmallow chick-lit for a few minutes

He laughs at that. “Come here.”

Feet propped up on the coffee table, I fold my arms and tilt my head back saucily, staring him down. “Doubtful.”

He narrows his eyes. “Amy.”

I glare back at him, loving the way he turns my name into two threateningly low syllables. “I’m terrified.”

“You should be.”

My muscles almost eject me from the chair at that. So. Weak. “Careful, I might die of fright here.”

He pushes off his stool at the counter with one smooth movement, eyes dancing with mischief. “Amy. Come here.”

The thing I hate about this is he knows I’ll eventually cave. I can say ‘no’ to anyone. I’ve said no to students, children, parents, and the leader of a sorority, which took more guts than I'd need to turn down President Obama.

I think I’ve said no to the guy over there grinning at me. Twice. Ever. And the thing is, half the time I start out with the intention of saying no, but somehow I end up saying yes, knowing I’m choosing to say yes, and wishing I could do otherwise. It’s like mind control or something, and I totally don’t have the same effect on him. Not fair, anyone?

I lean my head until it rests on the back of the chair. “I hate you.”

He laughs again. “No you don’t.”

He knows that all too well, and he makes sure I know he knows. I sigh and get up, watching that irritating little grin on his face grow with each step I take. “You suck.”

He pulls me in and tips my chin up with one hand. “But you love me anyway.”

And then for a few minutes I'm not even thinking anymore. When we surface for air, my head spins like a psychotic merry-go-round as I wrap my arms around his waist. Wowzaaaaa. “You are so bossy,” I mutter, head against his chest.

His breath is warm on the side of my face, and I can hear the grin in his voice. “Face it, you love it when I boss you around.”

Painfully so, and I will never admit it.

“Admit it.”

“True,” I say.

He laughs. “Told ya.”

I groan.

Fail.

___________________________

So yeah, I suck at updating. Sorry about that. Hope this made up for it :-)

you and i

You and I
shall first be friends
talking of cinema and sports
over lattes in coffee-scented air,
dining with other friends
anywhere and everywhere
crunching dry leaves underfoot
sharing secrets only
you and I
and the fall trees shall know.

And someday
you and I
will drive north-side of the state
and after sun has set
drive far from town light
and through the gate
into the fields of just-cut grain
park my car
and spread the old goosedown comforter
on the packed dirt.

And as the stars rise
and we lay under the endless dome of black sky
heads propped on balled blankets
eyes adjusting
we shall talk of anything
and everything
of Vulcan and Venus
of Hera and Zeus
and I shall try to remember if Saturn is Kronos
and Neptune is Poseidon
and you shall say yes, and query
Athena’s Roman name.

And as the soft crickets sing
and thumbnail of white moon shines
I shall reminisce of my grandmother
calling satellites ‘he’
and Andromeda ‘she’
and you shall smile and point out
Orion and his belt.

And as the velvet breeze brushes our faces
soothing and dry
and the Big Dipper shines
we shall speak of dreams
I of publishing
and justice
and adventure
you of something
I know not yet
but someday will.

And as faint clouds of the Milky Way
texture the sky
and satellites flit across the black
and as the night grows cooler,
you shall smile and hand me your jacket
and I will smell the spice of your cologne on my shirt.

And as meteors shine for an instant and vanish
planes dart across the sky
constellations wheel round
shooting stars flash
I dare a wish already true
that perhaps
you and I
shall fall
in love