Orphan

I am a child of the King
so says my head
crowned with glory and grace
but my heart, the stronger, tells me I am still
the orphan girl
in rags, huddling helplessly in
the dark.
Why
do I sit invisible
waiting
watching
hoping for something to happen
when I know from every other time
I have sat
watched
hoped
it won't?

Why am I invisible?
What fault of mine is it
that in crowds I am totally
silently
alone?
I know I am clumsy
sometimes in speech
and not the best talker
but am I that boring, that
tiny
and pathetic?

They don't mean to exclude me.
It just happens
and over time, I both wittingly
and unwittingly
mastered the art
of being
invisible.
Silent
observing
separate
and not present while present.
I am still the orphan girl
injured
struggling
tiny and pathetic
seeking shelter in the dark
where it is safe
and painful
and lonely
where tears dry
in rigid tracks on my skin.

How
in this state
in any state
can I possibly hope for them
to know me for who I am?
That, in the end, is all I want
to be -
me.
God's child
a princess full of mercy and love and hope.
Not the silent
retreating orphan in rags.
They do not know how much
I love them
All of them or how much that love hurts
because it stabs
deep
when I cannot express it.

Tonight
I am an orphan
Who dreams of being the princess
she knows she should be.
Tonight
they are only that
and nothing more.

Dreams.