Saturday, January 30, 2010

He keeps talking. Just talking. Words pouring out of his mouth, and I've heard half of them before. I want to blank it all out, just nod vaguely, but my mind has a perverse need to listen sharply, to catch every word. He thinks he's being helpful. You keep repeating yourself! I want to say. Over and over. Same words. Same thoughts. He wonders why I seem so unstable in decisions, so contradictory, but when he poses question after question after question, I begin to question everything myself. I interlace my fingers and hold them over my mouth, biting into the knuckle of my thumb, increasing the pressure until I can't take it, and then I re-lace my fingers and latch onto the other thumb.

Finally, he quits speaking, distracted. I take my moment and slip away into the dark. When I'm safe, for now, I stare at the rough oval of red marks around my knuckles. It is this pain or avoiding the anger following my outburst. For now, I have chosen this.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I had slam poetry running through my head yesterday. I don't write slam poetry, rarely ever read it, but I don't know what else I could call it. It was more prose-y than poetry, but it was not quite prose either. I don't know if I could re-create it now - I was in a strange, strange mood. It was cool though, because words were just coming to me. Even some rhyme, which never happens. If I hadn't needed to rush off to an appointment, I would have just written it down while it was happening. Maybe, just maybe, I can try it again later today.

On another note, I started a fictionpress account yesterday. I can't post on it til tomorrow, but when I do, I'll put the link up here. There are a few things I wrote for and outside of class that I'll post. It should be easier reading than reading it all in a blog post.

My life is changing a lot right now. I'm taking this semester off, in the hopes of moving to Austin for the next few months to work at the church office I used to attend last time I lived in Austin (I've moved a lot.) Right now, I have been reassured there is work for me, but I have yet to find somewhere to live. It's really only been a couple weeks since I made this decision, but it feels like forever, and I have to keep myself from freaking out, because I'm not in school, and most of my friends have started this semester. I don't know at all what God has planned for me right now. At all. But yesterday, while I was driving down the road, I had sudden conviction that this is where I'm supposed to be. Right here, right now. I don't know why. I'm just praying I figure that out.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Dear You

Dear You: Thank you for being my blogger twin.

Dear You: Thank you for being my other blogger twin. I love you both.

Dear You: I think I've only hugged you once before. You are a good hugger. And your jacket smelled really good in the rain. Thanks for knowing just what to say. I don't know how you possibly knew that's what I was stressing about, but you did. Thank you. I have high respect for you.

Dear You: I liked you once, and then we didn't talk for quite some time, and I realized how much of a friend you are. I cried more than a little. And then suddenly we were friends again, and things were normal. Someday I will work up the courage to tell you I love you.

Dear You: I am sorry you have become an ass. You have so much potential. I hope someday you'll realize it, but I don't have my hopes up. I don't hate you, though. I promise.

Dear You: you are amazing and beautiful and talented. Maybe some people wouldn't call you beautiful. Your smile and your spirit make you more so than so many others.

Dear You: So much I could say here. You are one of my best friends. You are so beautiful when you start defending someone else, and you forget to be self-conscious. Be you. Strong and bold, and beautiful.

Dear You: You have the cutest shy grin ever.

Dear You: In an alternate world, I would be head-over-heels for you. Alternate world. Key phrase. You are still a thoroughly loveable, very talented dork.

Dear You: I love you, but it would be great if you would maybe not be quite as focused on yourself. When that's what you want to talk about and ignore what other people are saying, it's really annoying.

Dear You: I'm not sure how all of a sudden we became better friends. I think maybe subconsciously we realized how alike we are, because we are. You are the biggest teddy bear of a guy, and I love ya. I really love how you can give bear hugs and no one thinks it's weird!

Dear You: Thank you for being my Honors partner in crime. XD