Friday, April 8, 2011

Bit of a change here

Lately I've run out of things to say that aren't too revelatory, shocking, or deeply personal. But I've also had a few experiences lately, seemingly born of pure chance, or fate, if you will, that make me query whether being deeply personal is all that bad.

Straight-up, intimacy terrifies me. Not the physical kind (not even in that stage of life yet), but of thought, of belief. I have opinions and beliefs so much stronger than most people know, and they don't know either because I don't want to offend or to be judged. At least, that's the way it's been most of my life. I've had a few moments of to-hell-with-it where I've given my uncensored opinion, or, more frightening, in a particularly vulnerable moment told someone exactly how I felt about a matter than affected me emotionally. These occasions are the exceptions. It's reassuringly safe to be the person always listening, never venting, to hide insecurity behind a wall of sarcasm. It's also a terrifying prospect when someone recognizes and hits the wall with a battering ram, and you realize it wasn't made of reinforced concrete all along, and try to hold together all the pieces in your arms.

That's something I want to change. Maybe need to change. Some might call it being too personal. Maybe it's just having nothing to hide. It's not a change that can happen overnight. I'll screw up, I'll hide my less-than-shiny aspects of my personality, I might offend someone. It's a risk we all run. And to be honest, part of me isn't doing it because the body of Christ is called to community, and that entails people knowing who you actually are, encouraging you on your good days and slapping you upside the head on your bad ones. The adrenaline junkie in me likes that thrill of stepping off the edge, the part of me that grins like a maniac on twisting rollercoasters and trying to see exactly how fast my CR-V goes.

So this is me. I'm Maddee. I'm nineteen going on either thirteen or thirty, depending on the day. I love good books and great books. I love Augustine because he was the master philosopher-theologian. I like dark chocolate (milk chocolate is a great evil that must be expunged from the universe). I cried when Tinkerbell died. Ultimate Frisbee is one of my greatest passions, but if I had to choose between it and running, I'd have to choose running, because I've been running since I was seven, and it keeps me sane. I have a PC but want a Mac. I've somehow never broken a bone. I love to write, because I love words, and there are so many beautiful ones, like beatific and pulchritudinous and mellifluous. I someday want to marry someone who is passionate about Jesus, because what could be better about loving Jesus with someone who's on fire for him?

I think this blog may be not so much about writing anymore, but actual writing, probably about stuff that matters sometimes, quite of a bit of theology, sarcasm, and who knows what else. And you know, whether anyone reads it is not a concern. I hope if someone does, it'll be useful, or at least, a tiny bit thought-provoking or a little amusing.


anilee said...

You're blogging again?! Yay!

Q said...

Hi Maddee. :)

Edge said...

Anilee - yes, I am. I'll probably be using this as a kind of journal just to chat about stuff. Maybe post some writing. No idea! But I'm excited.

Hey there yourself, Q ;)

Erin said...

You know me, you know being vulnerable/totally open isn't my strong suit, either. (Twin.) But I'm really happy you're doing this. Maybe it will inspire me to do more of the same. :)

Holly said...

sounds good, Mad. speak your urgency.