The Difference

I'm realizing it right now. The gulf between safe and protected. They sound kinda the same. Unable to be harmed. I feel the difference now. Don't get me wrong. I feel 'safe' here in my dorm. I don't worry about creepy people getting in or the thing burning down. Safe is such a physical term.

After the last two days, though, I do not feel protected. Over the last two days, I've had two nightmares. Bad ones. Not general bogey-man monsters with snakes crawling from their mouths. Specific dreams that make me panic. It takes a lot to make me panic. The first night, I dreamed there was poison gas in the dorm, and I was having a major asthma attack like one I've never actually had. It felt so real. My chest refusing to lift more than an inch. I stumbled down five flights of stairs, trying to make it around the lake to the school apartments. I almost made it, but I collapsed in the parking lot. Black asphalt. Cue end.

Dream two: a close family member was dying of some disease. Leukemia, maybe. Three weeks to live. I recounted every stupid thing I'd said and reiterated how much I loved her. That dream I try not to think about. The asthma one is just creepy to think about. If I think of the second one for more than thirty seconds, I feel my pulse beat faster and tears forming in my eyes.

Tonight, a girl did something to her knee. Pretty sure she didn't tear the ACL, because she'd be in more pain, but I ended up driving to the hospital with a couple others to make sure her mom was there. It was a continuation of the last two days. It feels dark. I 'know' life is a battle. I feel it now. I will keep fighting. I just need a moment for the tears to coalesce and fall.

This is when I crave protection. I wonder if it's how some crave alcohol. It's almost like I need it. I know I don't. I've gotten through nights like this before. But I want it so much. It's a physical ache. What I want sounds silly, perhaps. Simple, but so complex. I want someone to talk to me on the phone til I fall asleep. To just...hold me. Doesn't even have to speak. Just understands. Just doesn't let go. Just is there.

That is protection.