Resolved:

To take a handful of photos every day. They don't have to be of anything in particular. They don't even have to be that good. I just want to get into the habit, and then share some.

My Today, and Before

burning sunset as i drive far

far into the west, leaving behind heartache

though the leaving is half the pain

the girl in the white dress thinking perhaps

maybe

she could be the floating free spirit

the dress belongs to

but clinging stubbornly to the insistence she couldn't be

I am...posting again? + Freewrite/short!

I do believe I'm getting back into this blogging thing. This is my third post within the last two weeks. Part of my motivation may be the new layout, all credit due to the loverly Q, who is genius. It's a total departure from my previous layouts, and I love the change.

I may free-write a little here, as I've also started actually working on a novel again. It's been a long time. While I have this semester off, I might as well start up again. I may not have the time next semester. But perhaps I shall. My life is up in the air.

_________________

"I don't understand it," she said. She looked across the path, where pigeons fluttered around a toddler and his heavily pregnant mother, tossing breadcrumbs onto the sidewalk. "What they call love is so clearly a biological function, designed for survival of the specie. A potent mix of chemicals."

Rob laughed, leaning into the wrought-iron bench. "You're such a skeptic, Cin."

She crossed her ankles and looked over at him. "Forgive me for bringing up Laurie, but her professed love for you had more to do with your looks. She was a beautiful girl, and innately, wanted a mate whose qualities resembled her own. It's scientific fact the better-looking are evolutionarily more suited for survival."

He grinned at her. "You're saying I'm good-looking?"

She felt the tops of her cheeks warm. "I was stating a fact established by current societal definitions of good-looking. It's a terribly vague term. In her day, Marilyn Monroe was considered a paragon of beauty. Today, she'd probably be told to lose weight."

Rob shrugged easily. "Eh, Marilyn Monroe. Blondes aren't my type."

"Hypocrite."

"Hey, I already get called the blond-haired blue-eyed American poster child. I won't submit my future children to the same indignity."

"But that would be-" She shook her head. "Never mind."

"Let me guess, evolutionarily responsible?" Rob drawled.

She straightened her spine, so it wasn't touching the slanted back of the bench. "It's not nice to make fun of people."

Rob's smirk softened into a smile. "Sorry, Cin. It's just - I can't figure out why you're so insistent on denying the existence of love outside biology."

The pigeons fluttered, catching her gaze again. "Chemistry, actually," she said absently. "I suppose it's both. Biology can't exist without chemistry." She watched the birds primping and pecking, battling for bread crumbs. Evolution at its basics, the need for sustenance, the bigger birds bullying the weaklings to the edges of the crowd. Over the years, she supposed, the birds developed an odd symbiotic relationship with humans. It made sense. Homo sapiens provided an easy source of food.

The left corner of Rob's mouth lifted. "There you go into your own head. I can only imagine what's going on in there. A discussion about mating pigeons?"

She blinked. "Close enough. How'd you know?"

"As insistent as the rest of the team is about your being impossible to read, I find it an interesting challenge."

"Ah," she said.

"It wasn't that hard, once I got past your tripwires and land mines."

She looked sideways at him, finding it hard to suppress the smile breaking her glower.

The pigeons broke and scattered, iridescent feathers loose and floating on the breeze. She looked up to see the toddler stampeding after them, a hunter and prey - no. Not a hunter and prey. She watched as the boy ran past the birds, into the arms of a man wearing a suit jacket a size too large and short in the ankles. The man swung the boy up and around until he was squealing with delight, before tossing him onto his shoulders and walking back towards the pregnant woman.

She watched, heart constricting as the family walked off together. "I kind of wish it were real," she whispered. Ashamed she'd said it out loud, she lifted her chin. "Doesn't really matter, though. Anyway, I heard someone from our group got a promotion to Blue line. Didn't hear the name, but I guess we'll know soon enough when someone's gone next week."

"Maybe," said Rob. He gazed at the lake as stray raindrops danced on the surface.

She looked askance at him. "Why wouldn't we? I figure that's pretty much the dream of anyone in the group, so someone's saying sayonara come Monday."

"Nah," said Rob. "Won't happen."

She raised an eyebrow. "Why not?"

He shrugged casually. "Because I turned down the offer."

She looked at him, mouth cracked open. "What? Why in the world would you not take a promotion?" He was the golden boy of graphic design, and she'd honestly expected him to get promoted sooner.

"It would entail a move to D.C.," he said.

"So? You love D.C. It's a great city."

He still wasn't looking at her. "Love makes people do crazy things."

She "Oh, god, tell me you're not staying for Laurie. She already hurt you so badly-"

Rob turned and looked her square in the eye. "I'm not going to D.C. because you aren't there."

The tirade died on her lips. "What - what do you mean?"

"You can go on all you want about love being a jumble of chemicals and crap, but tell me what evolutionary sense this makes."

Her mind whirred. This decision of his disregarded the instinct to move up the food chain, be it literal or metaphorical, and saying she was the reason - perhaps because their IQs were on the average, high - but that entirely threw the most attractive mate theory out the window, because she was so plain, and while he was a little on the nerd side, he was darling.

She couldn't find most of her voice. "But - why me?"

He leaned over and kissed her, slowly. She felt her eyes close of their own accord, and something stirring in her chest she hadn't felt since she was a child, safe with her parents, before their accident.

A moment later, Rob pulled back, still cupping her face in his hands, his beautiful, capable hands. "Because, despite all your minefields and massive resistance to the very idea of the sentiment, I love you."

She felt the first tear break, a hot streak down her face. He wiped it away with his thumb. The stirring in her chest bloomed, and it hurt, but she felt it like she hadn't felt anything in so long.

"I -" she faltered. How could it be true? But perhaps it didn't matter, because it just was. "I love you too."

Musics!

I'm feeling tired and uninspired (look, a rhyme!), so I shall post some linkage to songs I'm currently enjoying, and think you should too.

Nightbook - Ludovico Einaudi: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezSq5Vq8G88&feature=related

Lady Labyrinth - Ludovico Einaudi: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zq1hPXJPtto&feature=related

The Tower - Ludovico Einaudi: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsI3X4TdB6U&feature=related

All these are GREAT writing songs - based on a piano lead, instrumental, but The Tower, especially, is intense.

Birthright - Celldweller: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmwYcVUMjXw . This is rock/electronic awesomeness. Epic stuff. Celldweller on the whole (disregard the morbid name, it came from one of the artist's friends joking that his studio was like a cell, because he never left it) equals amazing music.

Regret - Blue Stahli - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKlTxJa1HQs . Ear candy. Undeniably ear candy. (Shotgun Senorita and Throw Away by the same artist are good too).

Trailer music from Clash of the Titans trailer - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TdLf2_YA6M&feature=related . One word: EPIC.

Satellites - September http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rP7X_7s2aPo&feature=related. Totally Europop dance music. But so fun!

Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4OLQB7ON9w . Part of this song will sound rather familiar. A certain artist *coughcough* Jason DeRulo *coughcough* used part of the song in his current hit. I present the original. Which kicks butt. Because Imogen Heap rocks.

Well, that's all, kids. Sayonara!

Ache

it stretches in my chest

a cat with claws

when you talk talk

and talk

and won't listen

ever

when you change your mind

constantly

an indecisive bumblebee

with equal sting

when you must always be right

damn the consequences

and the consequences come

as i curl myself away

into the shell of my mind

where you cannot enter

i know you too well

(the pain of saying that)

but to you -

i am a stranger. alone (while with you).

passive (words boiling inside).

aching (wishing you knew).

watching. (others also helpless).

yet you believe you know me.

i am sorry i cannot be perfect. i am sorry, because if i were

i would know you

and you me

and i would not suffer the stupid

silly

eternal

pain

of never being quite good enough.

The craziness

So, here's what's happened in my life over the last six weeks.

*I decided not to return to the university I attended for the past three semesters.

*It was too late to transfer, so I am taking this semester off.

*I moved from Houston to Austin, three hours away from my family.

*I am volunteering more than part-time but not quite full-time at a church office.

*I am playing frisbee.

*I am running.

*I have gotten into the world of ballroom/more classic dance (blues is my favorite so far - swing isn't bad, but there are a million variations on it, few of which I know...)

*I have unearthed an old, old writing project (Novel the First), and a character I had trouble making truly frightening IS really a scary guy now. :-)

*I have gotten back in touch with a friend from school who moved here a year ago, and I feel like I'm getting some of those teenage girl experiences like sitting in her car after dancing and talking for hours about life and guys. I didn't get that in high school, so it's nice to have it now.

*I know where I"m going this fall.

*I don't know what I'm majoring in, or if I'm going to take an extra semester in order to do a particular honors program.

*It doesn't matter now, though. I have time, and God is good.